Friday, August 26, 2005

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

Got this story from a friend.. so touching.. sobbss..

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stoppedin front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her outof the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was thenplump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid,I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets weresteadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was acivil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almostat the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life wasmore likely to be affected by unpredicta! ble changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me frombehind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. Thiswas the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Herwords suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wifesaid, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed mywife. But I couldn t help doing so.

I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture,O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she wasunhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At themoment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it usedto be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. Nomatter how mildly I mention! ed it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly,she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I wassitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watchedTV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew sbody. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, whatwill you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away fromher. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I wasserious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost allthe staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hidesomething while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. Shegently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we livetogether. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got somethingto tell you, I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her knowwhat I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topiccalmly.

She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked mesoftly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question. This so-calledanswer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted atme, you are not a man! .

At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knewshe wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I couldhardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which statedthat she could own our house, our car, a! nd 30% stake of my company. Sheglanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart.The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a strangerone day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expectedto see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea ofdivorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer andclearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw herwriting something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, Ifound she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything fromme, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and inthe month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reasonwas simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and shedi! dn t want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, doyou still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms , shecontinued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in yourarms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, youmust carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wishedto end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly andthought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to facethe result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less mademe feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intentionwas explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So whenI carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our sonclapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His wordsbrought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, thento the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closedher eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son.I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. Shewent to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on mychest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for along time. I found she was not young any more. There were some finewrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is beingdemolished. Be carefu! l when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we werestill an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms.Thevisualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as,where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking,etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn t tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made mestronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She triedquite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All mydresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that itwas because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, notbecause I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in herheart. Again,! I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out ahand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. Hesaid. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been anessential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer andhugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I wouldchange my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from thebedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surroundedmy neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we cameback to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold mein your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t notice that our lifewas lack of such intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly wi! thout locking the door. I was afraidany delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dewopened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I mserious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got nofever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, Ican only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage life was boringprobably because she and I didn t value the details of life, notbecause we didn t love each other any more. Now I understand that since Icarried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposedto hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and thenslammed the door and burst out crying. I walked downstairs and drove to theoffice.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for mywife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write thegreeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I ll carry you outevery morning until we are old.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

416 DAYS...

it has been 416 days since she left us..
but the pain is still deep..
too deep to cure.. too deep to heal..
we really miss you mom..
just like yesterday.. and the days before..
and we'll be missing you again, today and forever..
may you sleep peacefully..
may you sleep happily..

Monday, August 22, 2005

my girl..

Aisya.. the very playfull girl.. smalam jatuh kepala berdentum kat lantai tah baper kali tah.. tapi tak juga serik2.. nangis seminit.. then sambung lagi main.. penat mama nak kejar kesana kemari.. tapi penat macamana pon.. Aisyalah buah hati mama & papa.. =)

Aisya dah kenal orang sekarang.. dah kenal mana satu mama & papa.. dah kenal sapa yg jaga dia kat nursery.. dah kenal sapa yg bagi dia makan dan mandikan dia.. kalau org yg dia tak kenal, sikit pon dia tak layan.. senyum tidak, gelak tidak.. nak dukung lagilaa dia taknak..

Pagi ni, makcik yg jaga Aisya kat nursery tak ada.. yg sambut budak2 hanyalah Atiq & Syada.. Atiq ambil Aisya dari aku walaupon dari raut muka dah nampak dah awan mendung.. pastu, apalagi.. hujan pon turun dgn lebatnya.. hehe.. sian Aisya, tangan lambai2 nak suruh mama ambik dia balik.. mama cepat2 masuk kereta.. sedih mmg sedih.. tapi apakan daya.. kekadang rasa cam nak jer jadi full-time housewife.. jaga & didik anak2 dgn kudrat sendiri.. tapi zaman sekarang ni banyak tuntutan yg memerlukan wang.. tgklah nanti, hubby jadi GM ke.. hehe.. bolehla berenti keje..

Tersenyum aku sorang2... sbb rasa bertuah & bersyukur, budak kecik tu dah pandai rindu mama dia.. =)

i hate Midvalley.. arghhh (just for today)

bencinyerr... pergi Midvally & tak dapat parking..
kenapalaa diri ini lupe yg cuti skolah sudah bermula??
bencinyerr... nak ke sana 5 minit pon tak sampai..
tapi end up pusing2 kat parking lot for almost 25 minutes!!

last skali.. park kat blakang kete sape tah.. berlari gi bayar parking.. pastu blah..

p/s: rugi masa, tenaga, minyak (dahla mahal) & RM1 utk bayar parking.. benciiiii!!!!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Belajarlah mengatakan 'CUKUP'..

***I got this from someone.. Muhasabah diri sejenak.. Cermin2lah diri kita.. it's a bit lengthy but worth reading..

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah...

Segala puji bagi Allah, Tuhan sekalian alam. Sesungguhnya aku bersaksi bahawa tiada Tuhan melainkan Allah yang Esa, tiada sekutu bagiNya dan sesungguhnya aku bersaksi bahawa Nabi Muhammad itu hamba dan rasulNya. Selawat berserta salam buat Nabi Junjungan Muhammad SAW yang mempunyai keperibadian mulia & diutuskan sebagai ikutan. Juga buat sekalian muslimin & orang2 yang beramal soleh...

Minggu lepas saya sempat tonton sebahagian dari sebuah filem yang disiarkan di channel Vision Four. Tajuknya Interstate 60. Pelakon utamanya saya tak kenal tapi pelakon tambahannya ramai yang top2. Salah satu babak yang saya ingat sangat, ialah di awal cerita yang membabitkan pelakon terkenal, Micheal J.Fox. Dalam babak tu, Micheal kelihatan seperti seorang businessman yang sibuk.

Ketika itu dia sedang bercakap2 di handphonenya di dalam kereta. Di belakangnya ada seorang lelaki sedang mengayuh basikal sambil menghisap pipe. Tiba2 Micheal buka pintu keretanya dan akibatnya lelaki tersebut terlanggar pintu tersebut dan tergolek. Tengah tergocoh2 & sibuk mintak maaf tuh, handphone Micheal terlepas dari tangan. Sampai je ke atas jalan, datang satu trailer lenyek handphone. Apa lagi, menyumpah seranah la dia.

Yela... Sebagai businessman, tentu handphone tu alat penting untuknya. Dalam keadaan marah, terkeluar dari mulut Micheal (lebih kurang la...) "Saya harap ini tak pernah terjadi". Rupa2nya lelaki yang bawa basikal tadi ada kuasa magik. Dia mampu ulang balik masa dan mereka kembali ke satu keadaan di mana Micheal masih dalam kereta dan lelaki tadi masih menunggang basikalnya.

Bila tiba hampir ke kereta Micheal, dia berhenti. Tiba2 Micheal keluar dari kereta. Kali ni lelaki tadi tak melanggar pintunya seperti sebelum ini. Jadi Micheal terus rancak berbual hinggalah tiba2 datang trailer dan melanggar Micheal J. Fox. Lelaki tadi, yang berada di belakang kereta Micheal & memerhatikan segalanya, bekata "Some people just don't know what to wish for" (Sesetengah orang tak tahu apa yang patut diminta).

Apa kesudahan filem ini saya tak tahu sebab saya tak menontonnya hingga selesai. Tapi saya cukup tertarik dengan perkataan lelaki yang berbasikal tu. Sesetengah orang tak tahu apa yang patut mereka minta. Bukankah hampir kita semua begitu? Dalam filem tadi, Micheal mengharapkan kemalangan tu (basikal langgar pintu keretanya) tak berlaku supaya handphonenya terselamat. Tapi tanpa kemalangan itu, dia pula yang maut. Perasan tak?
Ini satu telefilem fiksyen. Rekaan semata. Tapi perkara ni sebenarnya berlaku dalam kehidupan harian kita. Seringkali kita meminta perkara yang macam2 seolah2 itulah yang terbaik untuk kita. Persoalannya, tahukah kita apa yang terbaik untuk kita? Kalau kita dilahirkan miskin, kita sering berdoa untuk menjadi kaya. Hendak mengubah kehidupan, kita kata. Tapi kita pastikah kekayaan itu yang terbaik untuk kita?

Atau kita dilahirkan pendek, atau terlalu tinggi, atau hitam atau berpenyakit. Tentunya kita mengharap2kan keajaiban untuk menjadi manusia yang sempurna atau sekurang2nya 'just nice'. Mungkin juga kita terbabit dalam kemalangan yang mengorbankan orang yang tersayang. Pasti tercalit dalam hati keinginan untuk engembalikan masa itu supaya kemalangan itu dapat dielakkan dan nyawa orang kesayangan kita juga selamat. Kan?

Persoalannya, adakah apa yang kita perolehi sekarang ini bukan yang terbaik? Adakah Allah itu zalim atau pilih kasih dengan memberi sesetengah orang nikmat manakala setengah lagih azab? Bukankah Allah itu Maha Adil? Bukankah Allah itu Maha Mengetahui? Bukankah Allah itu Maha Bijaksana? Jika begitu, mengapakah ada sesetengah dari kita yang bernasib malang manakala sesetengah yang lain bernasib baik sepanjang hidup mereka?

Sebenarnya, kita adalah apa yang kita minta (we are what we wish for). Kadangkala tatkala kita berdoa, kita sendiri kurang faham dengan apa yang kita minta. Ada orang berdoa minta selamat. Akan tetapi Allah berikan dia dari sihat jatuh sakit. Dari kaya jatuh miskin. Dari jelita jadi hodoh. Bagaimana itu? Itu hanyalah sebagai ujian kesabarannya. Seandainya imannya tetap kuat, insyaAllah dia akan selamat di akhirat kelak.

Selamat juga, bukan? Adakah Allah menolak permintaannya? Tidak! Bahkan Allah meletakkannya ke tempat yang lebih tinggi. Begitu juga dengan keadaan saya baru2 ini. Hidup dikelilingi hutang lapuk. Pening kepala nak bayar. Interest makin meningkat. Ibu mana yang tak kasihan lihat anaknya susah hati? Satu hari tu ibu saya beritahu saya yang dia tiap2 hari berdoa minta saya dapat banyak duit. Dia simpati dengan saya katanya.

Saya katakan kepadanya. Kalau banyak duit, tiap2 bulan saya dapat, Alhamdulillah. Saya katakan padanya kalau mahu berdoa untuk saya, berdoalah semoga hutang lapuk saya selesai. Saya beritahunya ketika sebelum Zuhur. Zuhur tu juga dia telah tukar doanya dan Alhamdulillah, petang itu juga saya nampak jalan penyelesaiannya. Doa ibu itu berkat. Sekarang, Alhamdulillah ringan rasanya beban di kepala saya. Maha Suci Allah...

Apabila Allah menentukan sesuatu ke atas kita, percayalah itu adalah yang terbaik. Hanya mata kita yang diseliputi dengan nafsu yang tidak dapat melihat kebaikan yang ada pada sesuatu kejadian. Mengapa sukar bagi kita untuk redha kepada kejadian Allah? 'Grass is always greener on the other side'. Kan? Kita sentiasa melihat apa yang ada pada orang lain itu lebih baik dari apa yang kita miliki.

Sedang Nabi saw telah menasihatkan agar kita melihat orang yang di bawah. Jangan melihat orang lebih tinggi kerana intu akan membuat kita tidak bersyukur. Dan itulah masalahnya pada diri kita. Kita sentiasa mengejar peluang yang lebih baik. Sentiasa mahukan yang lebih banyak. Saya sendiri mengalami perkara ini. Dan saya percaya ramai yang turut mengalaminya. Siapa yang taknak gaji besar, kan?

Masa saya grad, ekonomi negara benar2 sedang menjunam. Saya ke hulu ke hilir mencari kerja. Akhirnya saya bekerja sebagai operator di kilang metal stamping. Gaji RM400 sebulan. Tiada OT. Tolak itu, tolak ini, dapatlah RM350. Hm... Cukup? Dah tentu tidak. Ketika itu saya hanya memiliki sebuah motor Yamaha 110SS hadiah ayah sempena dia dapat EPF. Isi minyak dengan makan dah habis. Ketika itu saya fikir, dapat gaji RM750 pun jadilah.

Kemudian saya bekerja sebagai Lab Technician. Betul2 saya dapat RM750. Cukup? Tak juga. Masa tu saya mula terfikir. Dapat gaji RM1500 pun dah cukup. Allah tunaikan lagi. Bekerja pula di petrochemical plant. Sebagai trainee, dapat la RM1500 sebulan. Ya Allah... tak cukup juga. Sebab masa tu saya dah beli kereta Iswara. Saya fikir, dapat RM2500 cukup la. Tapi bila dapat banyak tu, saya tukar kereta pula. Kesimpulannya tak cukup juga!

Memang takkan cukup. Nafsu itu adalah benda yang paling besar! Sekarang, ketika kawan2 saya berlumba masuk syarikat lain yang offer gaji 2 - 3 kali ganda, saya tetap di sini. Kalau ada yang bertanya kenapa saya tak ikut mereka, senang saya katakan. Saya selesa di sini. Kalau solat saya panjang, bos tak pernah marah. Sedang rakan2 saya di syarikat baru dibenarkan solat hanya dalam masa 5 minit sahaja.

Kini saya dah pandai mengatakan cukup. Cukuplah sebanyak ini yang Allah beri. Sekiranya diberi lebih, Alhamdulillah. Sekiranya semakin kurang, semoga Allah perkuatkan iman saya menghadapi dugaan mendatang. Yang penting bagi saya, apa yang saya perolehi ini halal dan diberkati. Pesan Nabi saw kepada Saiyidina Ali ra supaya jangan mengira2 rezeki untuk hari esok kerana Allah menurunkan rezeki pada tiap2 hari. Ini benar2 terkesan dalam hati saya. Tapi bukan bererti kita tak boleh mengejar yang lebih baik. Kejarlah dunia seperti akan hidup 1000 tahun lagi. Tapi dunia itu ibarat bayang2. Makin dikejar makin ia lari. Kejarlah akhirat seperti akan mati esok hari. Kerana akhirat itu umpama matahari. Makin kita kejar akhirat (matahari), dunia (bayang2) akan mengejar kita. Rezeki itu hak Allah maka bermohonlah kepada Yang Memiliki rezeki itu. Kerana tiada rezeki untuk kita tanpa ada izin dariNya. Terjadi kepada kenalan saya. Dengan gaji RM1000 sebulan, nak bayar ansuran rumah, nak isi minyak motor yang makin naik, duit lampin anak, duit makan, tinggal pula di JB, memang tak cukup. Sering dia mengeluh. Di tempat kerjanya pula dah lama hadkan OT. Kesian dia. Selalu dia cakap dia nak cari kerja lain. Dah banyak dia apply tapi tak dapat2 sebab tiada kelulusan dan umur pun dah makin lanjut.

Atau setidak2nya dapat banyak OT. Saya katakan padanya, besar periuk besarlah kerak. Sekarang dia pakai motor. Kalau gaji besar lagi, mungkin dia pakai kereta. Besar mana pun tetap tak cukup. Tapi... Masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan. Akhirnya Allah tunaikan permintaannya. Tiba2 dia dapat banyak sangat OT. Hari2 balik rumah sampai tengah malam. Langsung tak rehat. Main dengan anak pun 2 -3 minit masa pagi sebelum ke tempat kerja. Bila jumpa, dia cakap dah penat. Tak larat nak OT. Saya ketawakan dia. Bukankah ini yang dia minta? Ya, katanya. Tapi dia dah tak larat. Hari Ahad je dia dapat rehat. Bila nak main2 dengan anak? Kesian anaknya. Ke masjid pun hari Jumaat saja sekarang ni... Saya katakan padanya, kita tak boleh dapat segala2nya. Dia nak duit, Allah bagi duit. Tapi dia hilang kehidupan dan masa dengan anaknya. Itu adalah permintaannya. Bersyukurlah Allah telah menunaikan...

Kalau nak dikongsi, terlalu banyak rasanya apa yang saya lalui. Saya pasti, saudara2 semua juga ada lalui perkara yang sama. Di sini, bukan niat saya nak mengajar. Bukan juga nak menunjuk pandai. Saya hanya mengajak saudara2 sekalian terutamanya diri saya sendiri untuk berfikir. Apa yang kita buru? Apa yang kita cari? Apa yang kita dapat? Berapa kali pernah kita bersyukur dan berapa kali pernah kita katakan cukup?

Cukup atau tidak apa yang kita ada, bergantung kepada cukup atau tidak kita bersyukur ke hadrat Allah. Juga bergantung cukup atau tidak kita tambat nafsu kita. Yang penting tiap kali selepas solat, berdoalah pohonkan Allah berikan yang terbaik buat kita. Nabi saw pernah memberitahu, orang yang tidak berdoa selepas solat adalah orang yang sombong. Dalam hadith yang lain, Baginda saw berkata orang yang sombong adalah syirik kerana hanya Allah yang layak untuk bersifat sombong. Wallahu'alam...

Ya Allah! Ampunkanlah kami ya Allah. Selama ini kami leka. Selama ini kami lalai dalam mengejar nikmat dunia hingga kami lupa janji nikmat syurga Mu. Cukupkanlah kami dengan apa yang Kau beri. Dan jadikanlah kami insan yang tahu bersyukur. Amin... Ya Rabbal 'Alamin... Akhir kata, berlajarlah untuk berkata cukup.....

Sekian buat kali ini. Segala yang baik datang dari Allah dan yang buruk adalah akibat kebodohan saya sendiri. Wabillahitaufiq walhidayah,

Wassalamualaikum warahmatullah